Viisi get MacGyvered
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18 May 2012
Since music channel The Voice became TV5 on April Fool’s Day last year, the latter station has slowly but surely become the go-to destination for English-language repeats from the ghost of TV past. The main difference between MTV3, Nelonen and TV5 is that the former two pretend that their schedules (which are generally filled with repeats of repeats and terrible Finnish versions of international talent shows) actually contain something of cultural or artistic merit, whereas the latter, as far as I can tell, doesn’t give a damn.
Trouble on the ice
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10 May 2012
Sport is an activity best appreciated by sitting on a sofa, drinking beer and watching it on the telly. This is especially true for all sports that I’m rubbish at, which is most of them with the exception of cricket, and since the chances of getting any cricket on TV in Finland are zero, then you have to either play it or forget about it. Therefore, like millions of Finns, I was excited to realise that this year’s ice hockey world championships would be held jointly in Finland and Sweden. Here, at last, was a chance to cheer on the Lions not only in the comfort of my own home but while they were playing in Finland. This was sure to be almost like being there. Home advantage is everything.
On yer bike
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03 May 2012
Traditionally, Finnish telly has been so backward that the programmes seem to have been copied straight from Soviet-era broadcasting in terms of fashion, content and production values. While this still holds true most of the time, with some imports we are comparatively stunningly up-to-date. We used to have to wait months if not years to view the ‘latest’ Desperate Housewives; now it’s just a matter of weeks. Some recent series like Grey’s Anatomy have appeared here the same week as they aired in the US. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. But, presumably for cost reasons, TV companies can’t afford to always buy new stuff, so in the case of major channels also having some sister ones, the poor cousins, as it were, are often simply given big brother’s hand-me-downs.
Identikit sing-along part 94
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26 Apr 2012
After four months of interminable wailing, unnecessary light shows and needlessly bitchy judges, Voice of Finland is finally over. This was (is?) Nelonen’s latest great ‘reality’ show hope: a talent show based around some unique concept or other involving adjudicators who fulfilled their responsibilities through the unique act of judging the contestants based on their voices rather than superfluous stuff like the size of their boobs or biceps, depending on gender.
Keep it in the family
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19 Apr 2012
I reckon that one of the best ways to become an iconic TV or movie star is to grow an impressive moustache. Facial hair can transform an ordinary Joe into a force to be reckoned with. Of course, over the years many famous figures have sported facial fluff. Hercule Poirot once said, “my moustache is so powerful, it can see things with this spyglass that you can only dream about.” A moustache worn by Charlie Chaplin once fetched £17,925 at auction. The problem with celebrity moustaches is that if you sport one, everyone thinks you want to be like that person. This is great if you look like ice-cold killer Charles Bronson in Death Wish. It’s not so good if you look like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth.
Jungle isn’t massive
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29 Mar 2012
It takes a lot, these days, to drive me to a state of despair, but Sub TV has done it. A few years ago even watching an episode of Big Brother would be enough to drive me into a depressed funk for days on end. I assumed that BB was pretty much the worst we’d get, and things couldn’t get any worse. Turns out, I was wrong.
The dead zone
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22 Mar 2012
Peak-time scheduling is a hard thing to get right. In the afternoon and evenings, when most people watch telly, broadcasters have to attempt to please many different groups of people. From midnight, on the other hand, the target audience has been identified and homed in on as if with an Exocet missile; said audience comprising students, stoners, and very gullible people. The very early morning schedules on terrestrial TV don’t really contain many programmes as such, consisting primarily of gentle radio broadcasts accompanied by text, or the most mindless, inane phone-in competitions you could think of. I’m guessing the former are intended for people who have fallen asleep on the sofa, while the latter are intended for insomniacs and the aforementioned stoners and unreasonably credulous.
24-hour snooze
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15 Mar 2012
Very occasionally, I do miss things about living in the UK. The list, including such essentials as fish and chips and Yorkshire pudding, is mainly food-related, I admit, but not entirely. Although there’re not many things to be proud of as a Brit these days, one thing that makes me both wistful and prone to a bit of God-Save-the-Queen chest-thumping is Auntie, known to most of the world as the BBC. At least, when I think about growing up in the 1980s it makes me nostalgic; watching some things made by the Beeb these days is more likely to induce nausea than nostalgia.
It’s science, innit?
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08 Mar 2012
Recently I’ve taken to carrying around a small sachet of antiseptic wipes with me wherever I go. Actually, it started as a small sachet and is currently a large family size value pack of Pirkka’s finest. “But Nick, why are you carrying around antiseptic wipes with you?” I hear you ask through the space-time continuum. Well, my friends, I have to tell you I’m slightly on edge. No, more than that, I’m paranoid – and for good reason. I don’t know if Big Brother (as in the state, not the TV show) really is watching me, but I know for a FACT that if he wanted to he could FIND me and KILL me, or at the very least fine me for a minor traffic violation.
Exactly the same shape as a thingy
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01 Mar 2012
It is often said, mainly by British people, that British TV comedy is the best in the world. There are not many things that will turn a hardened ex-pat into a nostalgia-ridden homesick wimp, but the mere mention of classic shows like Only Fools and Horses, Fawlty Towers or Blackadder might do the trick. The latter of that holy trinity is now on Finnish screens, so if you’ve never watched the adventures of Edmund Blackadder then, well, what’s wrong with you, frankly?
