My editor called me last week. “Nick,” she said, “We’ve been getting some feedback that you’re, well, too negative. Try writing about something good so our readers have an idea what to watch as opposed to what they should avoid for fear of permanent mental scars, y’know?” I tried convincing her that I have been upbeat, sometimes, about 30 per cent of the time on average, and recommended a fair few shows on telly, but the fact is that the majority of stuff broadcast is absolute mindless drivel, so what’s a man to do? But she wasn’t convinced.

Not so long ago, completely by accident, I realised that we have a new channel on our box of wonders. Since I don’t live in Helsinki I never knew that those folk living in larger urban conurbations have been ‘enjoying’ the questionable delights of Nelonen spin-off Liv for a year now, while us country-bumpkin type folk have only been able to watch their broadcasts on the internet. Of course there are about two hundred billion more interesting things on the internet than any of Liv’s crappy shows which explains why this cultural monstrosity has hitherto passed me by like a sailboat in the night, or indeed like the faint whiff of raw sewage on the passing breeze.

Having just become a dad (cash and Paypal accepted – please forward all donations via the Helsinki Times office) my foreseeable future is almost certain to involve sleepless nights, extreme amounts of baby’s bodily fluids, and watching long periods of daytime/night-time telly in an attempt to lull our youngster asleep. Unfortunately I have a bad feeling that if I subject him to a preponderance of televisual broadcasting he’s going to grow up addicted to Zumba and one if not all of the dozen or so abdomen enhancement machines advertised for about eight hours every day, the latter proving that if you can con people into thinking that spending ten minutes doing sit-ups every day is a waste of time then mega-bucks are yours for the taking.

Sports are funny things aren’t they? Ostensibly a means to stay healthy while engaging in competitive activity, since the Ancient Greeks the simple act of moving faster than the other bloke has achieved a significance way beyond the act itself. Naturally this is on my mind because the Winter Olympics are underway, the 2010 instalment of which is currently notable for its amazing administrative cock-ups and a tragic death. I imagine it’ll also be notable in this country for the fact that Finland once again wins naff-all.

Regular readers of this column will be aware that I’m pretty down on Finnish telly in general. This isn’t only because it is almost all pants, although it is, but because the schedules are filled with either a) terrible shock-docs, b) very poor Finnish variants of American reality or light entertainment shows, c) laughably amateur Finnish productions and soap operas, and d) the news, which means we end up never watching anything which might actually tell us something about anything, or even, dare I say it, educate us. I’ve nothing against being entertained per se, but I do resent my viewing desires being interpreted, by people who have no idea what they’re doing, as involving re-runs of American Gladiators from 1989. I want investigation, I want truth, I don’t want X-Factor.

So, farewell, then, Conan O’Brien. The ginger-coiffed talkshow host has hung up his microphone for the last time, on NBC at least. One of the most successful presenters ever, O’Brien made a name for himself from 1993 to 2009 as host of Late Night with Conan O’Brien and more recently as the centrepiece of a wonderful bit of television feuding between him and Jay Leno over who should host The Tonight Show.

I have just watched episode 13 of 50 of a new (i.e. never before seen on Finnish TV), Australian soap opera that airs on YLE1 on weekdays at 09.30. Unlike Northern Exposure on MTV3 in the afternoons, each episode of Always Greener comes on at the same time, although one morning it was scheduled to start at 09.32, which was a wee bit finicky for me. However, it is just the right time for someone who works in the evenings, but might not be so convenient for those of you who live more normal lives.

Have you spent any time in the last month either outside or watching TV? If so, you surely cannot have failed to notice the second coming of Christ, a.k.a. the first season of the Finnish version of crap ‘talent’ show X-Factor has just started. Judging by the amount of marketing on display, you’d be forgiven for thinking that this momentous occasion was the dawn of a new historical epoch, ensuring that January 2010 was a month that would be remembered for all time as much as July 1789, April 1945 and May 1968. As it is, it was well-below average even by today’s standards.

A word of warning: I went to the dentist’s a few hours ago, and as a result my head is the size of a watermelon and it feels like a family of rats is gnawing a nice warm burrow in my lower jaw. Therefore, I’m not in the best of moods, which you might find notice when compared with my normal, uplifting style. But the world of television has not been lying supine and helpless on a dentist’s chair. Far from it.

First off, since it’s January you might have noticed there’s a whole bunch of new Finnish shows starting this month. Generally, these are all rehashes of old pap from last year – Choir Wars, that show...

Me being the cynical chap I am, I would’ve thought that the last thing Finnish telly deserved at the moment was another event full of back-slapping pomp and self-congratulatory nonsense. Why? ‘Cos about 95 per cent of Finnish-produced telly is pants. However, since no-one listens to me (probably a good thing in the eyes of most of humanity) that was exactly what we got last weekend when the unadventurously-named ‘Golden TV Gala’ was shown on MTV3. Presented by Jani Toivola and Krisse Salminen it was as reassuringly dull and – dare I say it – amateurish as always. Luckily it was only 90 minutes long, but that was more than enough.

I tried, I really did. Hand on heart, I was prepared to put the horrors of 2009 behind me and start afresh, my eyes open to the possibilities that a new year brings. Unfortunately, one of the first programmes I saw after January 1st was Make Up! on YLE (Saturdays at 21:30), which has put me in the most god-awful mood for the rest of the year, and makes it hard even now to see the letters E, L and Y without bringing up a little bit of bile.

Christmas! Yaaaay! I used to absolutely LOVE Christmas; love it to bits I did. As an innocent wide-eyed youth, staring with wonder at all the pretty lights on the tree, I felt that nothing could disturb the serenity and sense of awe with which we celebrated these most sacred of days (and not just for Christians either – don’t forget the pagans were here first), stuffed our faces with unnecessary foodstuffs, and sank into a comatose state of bliss in front of the telly. These days, as you can probably guess, little in life sets my teeth on edge quite as much as the forced bonhomie we are all expected to share and the crap adverts we get trying to cash in on our enforced consumerism.