Maria von Weissenberg is an actress and writer recently moved to Finland from Kenya.

When I first heard the sound of birdsong in an underground car park in Helsinki I didn’t question it. But then I started wondering, “Was this a City-
bird that lived in the walls of an underground car park? Did teenage birds hang out here getting high on exhaust fumes?” Not even Darwin on drugs could have come up with the idea of a city chirper adapting to life in such a place. Yet there is Bubi the city owl, honorary member of Finland’s national football team. Was Bubi nestled here somewhere with a harem of fluttery, flirty birdies?

I interrupted my idiotic reveries by concluding that I was simply hearing things, which was alarming. I wasn’t entirely sure what to do now that I was aurally hyperactive. “Doctor, I suffer from aural hypersensitivity,” sounded medically credible. Or was aural solo sensitivity better? No, aural aviary sensitivity would best describe my condition. I’d acquired a “CONDITION”. Marvellous, I thought.

I reeled myself back from the frontiers of pioneering medical research to face the disconcerting truth that I could still hear twittering. What if I sauntered casually over to a fellow parker and mentioned nonchalantly how pleasant the birdsong was; or mooched subtly over to a kid and asked playfully: “Can you hear the birds too?” If there were no audible birdsong, then a kid would think I was funny, but an adult would think I was kaput in the head.

Serious self-doubt had now set in. I was feverishly trying to spot some feathered friends, with melodious tweets flowing forth from open beaks. Then I saw it: a bird singing.

Or rather, a picture of a bird singing with, “Bird of the Week: Mocking Bird” written underneath it. (Bird of the week?) I was momentarily relieved that I wasn’t insane after all, but then the absurdity of some moron playing recorded birdsong in an underground car park hit me.

What utter idiocy. Do we want to hear birds underground? Is it a conspiratorial joke among underground car park owners? Has some halfwit financed a multi-million euro study about how birdsong improves parking? I certainly couldn’t see the results. Is it meant to make us forget that the cost of parking is an outrageous rip-off? In our supposedly customer-service-orientated world, has some career-driven waif with an over-inflated sense of self-worth attempted to save themselves from credit-crunch redundancy by instigating recorded birdsong to ensure “a serene parking experience”? Imagine the appraisal meeting: the insipid little customer-service “team member” wails: “You can’t make me redundant, Sir, I instigated the “Birdsong Parking Serenity” idea. It makes customers very happy and ensures repeat business.” To which the manager replies: “Yes, quite. What a stupendous idea that was. In fact, have a pay rise.” The manager, don’t forget, will have responded to a job advertisement that read, “the ideal candidate is passionate about parking”. What better way to instil some passion into parking than the mating call of a mocking bird?